Desperately Seeking Thelma

May 18, 2009 at 6:30 pm (Stuff that's on my mind) (, , , , )

How is it that after being handed my retirement package 3 1/2 months ago, or 15 weeks ago to be exact, I still feel so lost?  By now, I figured I’d have landed on my feet and fully be taking advantage of this new-found time to do all those things that I’ve been putting off for too long.  You know, important stuff, like cleaning out the linen closet or attacking the years and years of accumulated junk treasures that have taken over our basement.  Instead, I spend most days exactly like I am right now … sitting on the sofa in my pajamas, wrapped up in a blanket, with my computer on my lap.

How the hell did this happen?  I have zero motivation, zero direction, zero interest.  I used to have a job that mattered, that I was proud of, and that I was very good at.  I used to have a reason to get up in the morning, and a program for the day.  And now?  Now all of that is gone.  And I know it’s only the external portion that was taken away, but it seems to have taken a huge part of ME with it.  Malcolm sees what’s happening and tries to help, God knows he tries, but he can’t fix me.  So let’s add a serving of guilt to the mixture.  And it’s killing me because I know he deserves better – a better wife, a better partner – instead of this organism that’s stuck in neutral, slowly fusing with the leather sofa.

I don’t want to be like this, honestly, I don’t!  I used to have focus, plans, goals … a freakin’ life for Pete’s sake!  Now, with very few exceptions, it doesn’t matter if I even get dressed in the morning.  But as much as I want to move forward, I’m held back by one teeny tiny detail … I.don’t.know.how.  I don’t know how to move beyond this apathy and indifference.  I don’t know how to put myself in ‘First Gear’, let alone ‘Drive’ again.  And perhaps most troublesome of all, I don’t know how to be happy again.

But as much as my ability to motivate myself has been shattered, I still know one thing … awareness of a problem is the first step to overcoming it.  So now I just have to figure out how to move forward.  Maybe I’ll start by putting a Want Ad in the newspaper.  It could read something like this:

WANTED:  A life, with direction and meaning.  Must come with motivation.  Willing to work hard to get it, but need guidance on setting goals, and how to get started.  Will trade lethargy, disinterest, and a couple pairs of well-worn pajamas.

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6 Comments

  1. Babybloomr said,

    Beautifully written, Thelma, and gut-level honest.

    Wish I could offer more than this, but… I believe in you.

    • thelmamontyr said,

      Thanks Tori. That means a lot to me, and it really does help.

      I know I’ll eventually come out of this okay … I just figured I’d be there by now.

      I guess maybe my “Want Ad” should have requested patience, too.

  2. Debbie said,

    Hi Thelma, It’s been a long time. Your blog is very well written and I enjoyed reading it. Just a little thought to ponder. Maybe losing your job is your second chance to do something that you were really meant to do with your life. What are you passionate about? What would you do if you could do anything and not have to worry about earning a living? That’s the key. Finding something that you love doing and that you can get excited about.
    Good luck and I wish you all the best.

    Deb

    • thelmamontyr said,

      Hi Debbie.

      Good to hear from you. Thanks for the compliments.

      I’ve always thought I’d like to work with animals, not necessarily as a vet, but perhaps involved with the care and feeding of cats and dogs, especially in a shelter situation. It’s not something that would pay particularly well, but it’s still an option for volunteer work.

      Of course, the downside to that would be wanting to bring home every cat that came in. LOL

  3. Carro said,

    Good Afternoon,
    I didn’t realize you had put so much in here so have been frantically reading to catch up on all your news letters. Your problem is quite simply that you are like myself, a creature of habit. When you lost your job your daily pattern was blown to bits. You now have to make a new schedule for yourself. I can tell you one thing, if you like working in shelters then call the animal shelter over in North End as they always need volunteers. You could pick a couple of days of the week to go in and walk the dogs, play with some cats and make such a huge difference as they are so short staffed. You would feel good about yourself and you never know what doors could open for you.

    • thelmamontyr said,

      Hi Carro.

      You know, if I lived in the city, I would definitely look into volunteering at the shelter there. But living so far out in the country, it just doesn’t make sense economically to travel into the city and back several times a week, for something that doesn’t have a monetary reward.

      So I’ll look for a position in my local community in the fall, either full or part time – doesn’t really matter as long as it gets me out of the house a few days every week. And as a bonus, I’ll save money from not having to commute to the city each day, and even more important (for me, anyway), I’ll have the opportunity to give something back to my community. So it’s a win-win-win situation.

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